Booty Calling

Not a one-night stand, a fling or a relationship, the “booty call” can be a convenient way to get some regular action between relationships without all the muss and fuss of picking up strangers in bars. When you want sex, you simply call up booty-call boy and if he’s available, you get together. Sounds brilliant, no? It can be, but often this kind of casual sex is like a nice warm glass of milk — soothing, comforting – but, left too long, it eventually sours. Here’s the 411 on “Booty Call” etiquette:

Rule #1

Respect the system. The key to a successful booty call relationship is to understand the terms. These arrangements are like a delicate ecosystem — start mucking with the arrangement and you’re usually asking for trouble. If one of you has missed – or conveniently forgotten – the point, you best get out of there.

Rule #2

Establish a special code or sign in order to avoid misunderstandings. If you’re out at a party and your booty call buddy happens to show up and you’re flirting with another guy, have a hand signal or code word that lets him know you’re closed for business with him tonight.

Rule #3

Booty Calls are not guaranteed. You can’t feel rejected if you’re out with your booty call and they a) don’t want to go home with you b) want to go home with someone else.

Rule #4

Limit the drunken booty calls: It’s to be expected in a purely sex-driven relationship that occasionally you’re out all liquored up and decide you’d like to get some. But calling drunk at 3am on a regular basis is rude and abuses your “booty call” privileges.

Rule #5

Don’t fill Booty Call Buddies in on your dating activities. Unless you plan on getting more serious. Why spoil a good thing before you have to?

Rule #6

Booty Calls usually have a shelf life. No sulking when your buddy gets a real date. This is the reason so many booty call relationships go awry. It’s all fun and games and easy, convenient, no-strings-attached sex until someone gets some more serious action.

Considering all the rules, why bother, you ask? Well, while it might be nice to wait patiently for the real thing, or to be attracted to one person for the rest of your life, but it’s not usually that cut and dry. There’s a lot of stuff in between the full deal and being single. And sometimes you just need a little something to get you through the night.

Using Duke Nukem chat up lines can get you a Booty call…fact!

http://funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/1848258/Duke+nukem+will+get+laid+fact/

Mhm. Hmm. Got good to you didn’t it? He gave you everything youthought you needed. Mind-blowing sex, attention, affection (however brief) . . . and . . . and . . . uhhh . . . mind-blowing sex. Uncomplicated. Brief (relatively speaking…at least we hope so for your sake). And available at the press of a button–or ten of them. But you like to keep this one on speed dial, don’t you?

He could be the ex-boyfriend whose bridge you failed to burn, a“friend” about whom you’ve always been curious, a one-night stand who wants more left-overs…I mean do-overs. Or maybe you’re just recovering from your most current disaster and have sworn off of men…or at least the non-protruding parts. You just need a little somethin’ somethin’ to scratch the itch every now and again.

He serves his purpose well. Never steps a toe out of line or calls outside of the mandated booty call hours of ten p.m. to six a.m. … that is until tragedy strikes. He—in a lonely moment or in his overly zealous effort to sustain his premier sexual status—squeezed a little tighter, stayed a little longer, shared a few more conversations. In the aftermath, still deliriously high on pheromones, you wonder if maybe, just maybe, he might be “the one.”You couldn’t help yourself. After all, your Mom forgot to tell you that your va-jay-jay is directly connected to your heart, while his penis is directly connected to his short-term memory.

No, you haven’t even so much as gone dutch on a movie. You’ve never hung out with he and his friends. He doesn’t do anything for you except supply condoms and…well…you know. He’s never expressed a remote desire to take your relationship to any other level than horizontal…or further than the confines of the threshold of the bedroom door. Yet and still, you believe maybe there’s a chance that he’s “the one.”

Here are a five ways that you can win his love and turn that booty call into a boyfriend.

1. Rearrange his chromosomes. Add an “X”and remove the “Y.” Obviously, you want him to act like a man and think like a lady. You want his penis connected to his heart instead of the short-term memory and that’s not going to happen without major surgery. You’re a booty call and that’s the only way he’ll ever view you because that’ all you’ve ever been.

2. Give him a heart transplant…and replace it with one programmed to love you. Oh, he has the capacity to love and love deeply. The problem is that he doesn’t want to love you. If he wanted to love you, you’d be his girlfriend and not his booty call.

3. Give him amnesia, so he can forget about your walk through the valley of Ho-ville. No man wants to believe his woman, the one he honors and has committed to, could even conceive of having capricious sex with any old man. You set the standard for yourself and, in his eyes, the standard is “Any old stick will do ya.” If you want more from him, the only thing he might be willing to part with is five extra minutes before he climaxes…if you ask nicely.

4. Give yourself amnesia…so you can forget this stupid idea. Listen, if you want to be a girlfriend, you’re gonna have to start with someone new and act like girlfriend material from the jump. That means set standards for what you want and need from a relationship upfront…and don’t compromise! And don’t give up booty until he openly expresses his desire for commitment.

5. If you’re determined to have this one, sever the limb and start over. No, don’t cut him off literally, but do so figuratively. Cut the relationship, admit that you rushed into it, made some poor decisions, and that you’d like to see if there is a possibility to begin again and approach things differently. If he agrees, then you know you have a winner. If not, then let it go. Keep it moving. And don’t look back.

Are there instances in which booty calls can evolve into loving, long-lasting committed relationships? Sure, but those cases are the exception not the rule. Most of us are the rule. So, do yourself a favor and find someone who treats you like the queen you are from day one. You deserve it.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/booty-call-to-boyfriend-5-ways-to-make-him-yours-2511502/

An award-winning showbiz presenter laughed-out at the sexual advances made on her by visiting Jamaican teen sensation Kareem Dawkins before she mockingly told him off, Pulse can reveal.

The 17-year-old was so smitten by the TV beauty that he even went ahead to beg for her mobile telephone number on the red carpet as he made his grand entry to the CHAT Awards.

And when the Skip To My Lou and Rum Ram singer went back to his hotel room that evening, he kept making booty calls, begging the petite lass to go spend the night with him. The smitten boy even went ahead to beg her friends to impress upon her to go to his room. But for the first time (in a long time), a Kenyan girl dashed a foreign artiste’s advance. She told him off saying he was even too young to think of dating her. “He should go back and complete school,” she said.

The young Jamaican artiste has been performing under special permit, as he is still under 18.

Sexy nun

Recently, a friend with benefits called me up looking for a booty call. My reply: “I’d love to, but I gave up sex for Lent. I’ll definitely call you after Easter though!” His reply: Dead silence followed by overwhelming laughter. “You’re kidding, right? YOU go to church?”

While I’m no choir angel, I’ve been a church-going gal since high school. I’m not 100 percent sold on the organized religion thing, I’ve had my ups and downs with it and there’s a lot of stuff I disagree with (obviously). Right now, however, I’m in a place where my faith is a big part of my life. But I also really enjoy some top-notch sex. For a while, I didn’t really talk to partners about church, God, etc., but lately I’ve been more open about my faith and, to my total surprise, have been catching a lot of flack from nonbelieving friends (with or without benefits). They seem to think I can get my freak on or get my Jesus on, but that I can’t do both. So how do I tell them to get off my case, and tell them I’m cool with being the whore in church?

— Freak in the Sheets for Jesus

Dear Freak,

I can describe all religion with one sentence: “If it feels good, STOP.” So, when you go around telling people that you like to raise your eyes to Jesus during the day and your heels to him at night, you’re inviting scorn and judgment.

Religion in general, but Christianity in particular, sees itself as battling the sins of the flesh. It believes that the body is Satan’s workshop, and that he codes his most sinful work on that pelt beneath your belt.

Since many religions decree that procreation is the only “acceptable” form of sex, anybody who does it for the sheer enjoyment of it is committing a sin. And by anybody, of course, I mean women.

As you know, single men who enjoy sex are to be admired. Single women who enjoy it are to be stoned. And that brings us to crotch of the matter. Your friends judge and laugh because they’ve bought into the idea that you can’t be a good woman if you give good head.

While I admire your pluckiness, I’m puzzled by your No Apologies World Tour. I’m always suspicious of people who insist on telling me their religious beliefs when I haven’t asked about them.

Whether it’s a sex negative fundamentalist like Rick Warren (whatever happened to him, by the way?) or a sex positive spiritualist like you, I just don’t believe people should bring up religion unless they’re talking to like-minded people, or they were specifically asked.

Riddle me this, Oh, She Who Can Run A Prayer Circle During the Day and a Circle Jerk at Night: Why do you keep bringing up religion to people who have no interest in it? What’s your motivation in engaging people who think the New Testament is the paperback version of the Old Testament? Do you like shocking people? Are you secretly ashamed of your sexual activity and trying to cleanse yourself by broadcasting your church-going ways?

When people ridicule me for sharing something personal (for example, I download so much porn Comcast thinks I’m a priest), I stop telling them. Why continue getting ridiculed when you could just keep your trap shut? In addition to shutting up, it’s time to lighten up. Telling a friend with benefits that you can’t get together because you gave up sex for Lent is an award-winning LMAO. How could you be angry at somebody who laughs at such a funny line?

I think Jesus would be proud that you like to take communion late on a Saturday night and early on Sunday morning. But I’d think He’d want you to have a little fun with it. Like the time, he corrected me in one of my prayers. “Dude,” he said. “When I broke the bread at the Last Supper I said, ‘Take this and eat it, for it is my body.’ I did not say, ‘Eat me.’”

Article courtesy of http://clatl.com/atlanta/shes-ok-with-being-the-whore-in-church/Content?oid=3150445

Dear Booty

UGH! I met a very attractive guy (8 years younger than myself) – I’m 34 and he
was 26 in a fun bar/club out one night while I was out with a girlfriend. He
struck a conversation up with me when I went to the bar to order a drink (right
next to where he was standing). He ended up buying me and my friend shots that
night, dancing with me, Kissing me passionately and there was a Lot of chemistry
between us.

He Stressed that he thought I was a really great kisser, more
than several times and didn’t want the ‘meeting’ to end. It was Easter weekend
though and I told him I had family in town. He texted me the next day wanting to
get together again and was disappointed when I couldn’t make it.

He lives
in a neighboring city (around 2 hrs away from me that also happens to be my home
town). I told him I’d be in his city the following weekend and we made plans to
get together Saturday night.

I was really very attracted to him so I took
extra time to get ready and look great. He seemed pleased to see me again. We
had good conversation at dinner, but, I was a little concerned that I may have
told him too much about my marriage and recent divorce, but, he prodded the
information from me.

We both had a lot to drink at dinner and he wanted
to go somewhere else afterwards where we had even more to drink – he was all
over me again, kissing passionately, etc.

I told him that I was worried
about driving all the way back to my friends house and he said I was welcome to
stay the night. I teasingly asked him if he would ‘behave himself’ if I did and
he said that he would. We made out a lot – I thought it was very enjoyable, but,
I did stop him at a certain point and he did seem somewhat disappointed by
that.

I had so much to drink I don’t even remember how we finally fell to
sleep. ooppps. I do know nothing much happened though.

The next morning
oddly enough, – he didn’t even come close to me and we lounged around for a
little while talking in his bed. I was sure that he would want to fool around
some more but he did not.

He walked me down to my car, gave me a quick
kiss said he had fun and goodbye.

I texted him later to thank him for
dinner, etc. and thanks for letting me stay since I had too much to drink. I
also jokingly ‘apologized’ if my doing so was ‘inappropriate dating etiquette’
and I mentioned that I was really attracted to him and wanted to keep going but
that I felt it was just too soon.

He wrote back the next day, “It’s cool.
I understand completely.”

I texted back to say I did have fun and ask if
he wanted to get together again the next time that I was in Houston and he just
never replied.

I’m wondering now why he went to all the trouble to see me
this way and make out with me to that extent (I mean – he Must have been
attracted to me, right)? and then just not ever want to see me again? Nothing
like this has ever happened to me before in all of my years of dating. Is it
just a ‘younger guy’ thing? Or did he think I looked bad in the morning?!
Lol. Seriously, – any advice is greatly appreciated.

Booty says

He wanted in your pants.

He wasn’t looking for a relationship, just some
fun. Sorry.

Hello? It’s the Situation. What are you girls up-to now?” Indeed, the Booty Call iPhone Holder is perfect for that friend of yours that is always on the look out for one too many booty calls. The case is designed specifically to hold the iPhone 4, and it works as both a stand and a case. Plus it  supposedly can fit earlier models too… so it seems that it too will take anything that it can get! The Booty Call iPhone Holder retails for $18 at Fred Flare and would make a great gag gift,  but hey, they were just aSSking for it. Now when people pass you by on the street and say “baby got back!” It won’t be you they are talking about.